The Fog and Knott's

A light mist is confounding. Nylon jacket? Hoody? Umbrella? Flip flops? Shoes? Bah, so many options and none seem to satisfactorily control this mystifying element. Who has nylon jackets anymore...so not cool in Malibu :). Hoodies end up damp and weighty after a good ten minutes of mist. Umbrellas are a hassle. Shoes can get a little soggy, but they generally keep your footsies warm for a while. Flip flops can get wet no problem, but lack in the traction and warmth areas.

For about the past week, dense fog and light mist has been lurking around our campus (and the surround area) like a poltergeist. Some kids have had to pull over on the highway because of the low viz.

I played speed scrabble with some people on Friday. They girl teaching was very surprised I knew how to play. It's funny how you perceive games as very localized to your community (pitch, mashed potatoes, strip bridge....what was that last one?). I dominated, but caught a lot of flack for adding "er" to a couple of verbs to make nouns (slinker, gleaner). In my efforts to deinterlace the subtleties of English to these girls, they threw the ole "it's not in the dictionary" at me. I told them that the Webster's compact dictionary and dictionary.com were not going to bother making entries for every "er" word because it isn't necessary. Just add "one who" to the definition. Oh what I would have done for an O.E.D.

Ok, for the fun stuff. On Sunday a group of 11 Pepperdiners (myself included) though it would be fun to make the trek down to Knott's Berry Farm, "America's First Theme Park" for what was voted "#1 Halloween event in the world" and the "largest event in the amusement park industry was underway with "Over one thousand ghosts, monsters and freaks" [yes, freaks] wander the theme park with you. We were headed to Knott's Scary Farm for the annual Halloween Haunt.

"So what is Halloween Haunt?" You ask. Well buddy, they basically open the park from 6pm-1am with 12 haunted houses set up, fog machines going crazy, and freaks walking all around. These "attractions" are in addition to the other legit roller coasters and rides in the park (Better than Worlds of Fun, but not Six Flags).

We arrived around 730, and entered into the haunt with only one person really knowing what was going on. "You guys wanna do the clown maze first?" He asked.

Clowns have to be some of the weirdest things imagined by man. What about white-faced, overly enthusiastic pranksters who try to deceive people is attractive to small children? That we may never know, but we do know that a clown-themed haunted house is a really good idea. While in line to go in, one of the clown-dressed freaks was squawking his horn and getting in the face of my friend Julia. Julia isn't really one to put up with that and she shoved the clown man in the face. She had no idea she had violated rule one of Knott's Halloween Haunt...that's right, she "shoved a monster." OH SNAP! Clown-boy immediately began tweeting his whistle and shouting, "Hey, no touching the monsters." How ridiculous did he sound, especially considering his costume. So off he trots to the supervisor of clown freaks (poor guy, what a crappy job) to point out my monster-shoving friend. She passed it off as an accident and on we went into the "maze" (more of a haunted house walkthrough...you can;t really get lost).

I could go on giving details about each haunted house and the rides, but I really think the more interesting topic can be found in further investigation of clown-boy. Exactly what type of people voluntarily put on bizarre costumes and walk around for hours trying to scare people and act extra-creepy at the same time. This has to get old. I mean, the people working the haunted houses sit walk around the maze for hours, observing a non-stop stream of people pass. The only thought in this job comes when the monsters randomly decide who they are going to scare. That decision brings me to my next point.

Guys, never go to Knott's Scary Farm unless in a group comprised of at least 40% attractive females. If your group fails to meet this quorum, not only will you get completely ignored in the haunted houses, but you will have to end up leaching onto another group just so you can see some people get scared. Think about it, the only people who apply for a job advertised "dress up in spooky costumes, and spend hours spying on, stalking, and generally freaking out strangers" are guys who do that in their free time. And if you are one of those guys, you aren;t going to spend that time freaking out Billy over there who just slammed down four turkey legs. You are going straight for miss knockout blond who screams when you snort and make weird noises. If you want, you can even follow her through the whole maze, and she will never be able to pick you out of that lineup because you are wearing a clown mask. "Freaks" is definitely a good description for these crazy cats.

Now, the masked freaks are stalkerish, but the ones I really feel bad for are the ones who don;t even wear a mask. Imagine the job interviewers comments, "Well, you don't need a mask. You look sufficiently creepy as you are. Just walk around, people will be scared." One of the vampires was this breed. I had never seen anyone more creepy. The guy moved like a vampire, wore a big black trenchcoat (his own I'm sure), and seemed to just appear in the room. What I would have done to see Blade dominate him.

Eventually, our curiosity got the best of us, and we had to find o how much these guys were getting paid. My friend Ryan, never hesitant to talk to anyone, walked up to one of the clown freaks and non-chalantly tried to begin conversation, "hey man how ya doin"
"..."
"Yeah, so you guys get paid much for doing this?"
"..." (hand indicating 'not really')
"Yeah, so how much?"
"..."

Ok, let me interrupt this dialogue to remark on another curious habit of the "monsters." They love to talk to each other, and few things are more humorous than watching two demon clowns harass dozens of people, and then walk over to the lemonade stand, grab a drink, and chat for a while. But the second a paying customer nears them, even to ask a polite question, they act all hardcore and get in character. These guys would never tell us where a bathroom was or even where the ride was. My friend Ashley told asked one monster when he got off work so she could hook up with him later. This is funny right? Not nearly as funny as his true-to-character response of, "My work is eternal, you'll have to meet me in the graveyard." That complete role-embodiment is a sure sign of a future actor right there. Back to Ryan's efforts with the mute.

"Ok, umm, more than 7?"
"..." (eventual head nod)
"Just help me out here buddy."
"..." (blank stare, but eventually he holds up ten fingers.)

That was painful. We tried to confirm this number with other monsters and were told that their pay was less than ten. So either the clowns are top-notch haunters or the guy was embarrassed and full of crap or maybe he had never communicated with another human being before. Who knows.

So we had a good time, left a little before 1, headed over to IHOP, got back to campus around 3 and I got up for Calculus four hours later...good times.

Sorry that was long, but you have a week to get through it :).